Latin: the language of Satan

We in St Daryl's are naturally disgusted by the news that Mark Davies, the Bishop of Shrewsbury, is re-opening a parish where the worship will be in the Extraordinary form. That's right - LATIN, the language of Satan.

Know your enemy. This is a typical traditionalist Catholic.

Well of course, in this day and age we don't believe in the Devil as such. But we do believe in the Seven Deadly Sins of traditionalism, racism, Conservatism, homophobia, sexism, global warming denial, and opposing the woman's right to choose (this is probably an ism or a phobia too, but we haven't got the name right yet). And it is possible to imagine a being who represents all these sins, and even to call him Satan. He probably writes for the Daily Mail.

Of course at St Daryl's we have nothing against Masses in foreign languages. Just not Latin, please.

Here are a few Masses we shall soon be holding to show our  commitment to Equality and Diversity.

* Arabic Mass, for our Muslim brethren, if any should wish to attend. But even if they don't they will know that they are our brothers and sisters in Christ - or Mohamed, as we should probably call him.

Queuing up for Coffee after Mass

* Polari Mass. Yes, that's Gay Slang. The Priest will greet you with "Hello, I'm Father Julian, and this is my friend, Father Sandy!" Please reply "And with your spirit, sweetie."

*  Fr Macdonald's farmyard Mass. For those who find the new English liturgy too difficult (when did you last hear the word "consubstantial" on EastEnders, eh?) we are going to make farmyard noises instead. Out goes "I believe in one God" and in comes "Moo, moo, baa, baa, oink!" No need for complicated liturgies, we'll just all do our own thing. God will understand.

But remember... NO LATIN. Remember, it was banned by Vatican II, and you will get a stiff letter from the Bishop if you try to bring it back.