Tracey Scott writes

St Daryl's is happy to welcome a guest blogger today, Ms Tracey Scott, who will tell us how the Catholic church is falling into ruin, and why. Although no longer a regular church-goer, Ms Scott will be preaching at Mass today.
 

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Ms Tracey Scott

We women are voting with our feet - indeed, many of us have not been to church for over 10 years - and we want our say in how things are organized. The patriarchal Catholic church cannot hope to survive while it continues to ordain men.

Obviously, women are leaving the Catholic church in droves because of its misogyny and sexism. I stood outside St Daryl's today at about 12, and there were streams of women pouring out into the street. Some of them were letting the side down because they had male partners, and even children, but many of them were people I can regard as true sisters. If these women don't go back into the church next Sunday, and I am sure that most of them won't, then the Pope will probably be forced to resign.

It's about 20 years since the Church of England did a wonderful thing, and voted unanimously for the ordination of women and the expulsion of old-fashioned misogynist traditionalists. Some of them converted to the Catholic faith, but it can only be a matter of weeks before the same revolution takes place in the Catholic church, and women take their rightful place as priests. And then where will the traditionalists go? They'll be unemployed, and probably starve to death, and serve them right.

As a pious radical feminist I am loyal to my Catholic faith, even if I reject the misogynist writings of people such as St Paul, St Matthew, St Mark, St Luke and St John. I am also distinctly unhappy with the role of women in the Old Testament (except possibly Jael), especially that wimp Ruth who lets down the whole side.

Jael, putting men in their place

People have suggested that I should convert to another belief system simply because I want a senior ecclesiastical role. However, I feel it is more appropriate if the Catholic church reject its 2000 years of bad teaching, so that we women can realise our true potential. After all, didn't Christ tell Mary she was the foundation stone on which He was building His church?

A chauvinist pig

What a pity that Beethoven was only a man and not a woman. It explains why his music is hardly ever heard these days. In the same way, it is vital that the Catholic church should ordain women now, or it will have disappeared completely within 10 years. In a recent poll 2 out of 3 people (that's nearly 70%) said that it should get a young female Pope now, and the other person abstained.

Ms Scott will be autographing copies of her latest book, "Papists are Rapists," at the altar during Mass.

Latin: the language of Satan

We in St Daryl's are naturally disgusted by the news that Mark Davies, the Bishop of Shrewsbury, is re-opening a parish where the worship will be in the Extraordinary form. That's right - LATIN, the language of Satan.

Know your enemy. This is a typical traditionalist Catholic.

Well of course, in this day and age we don't believe in the Devil as such. But we do believe in the Seven Deadly Sins of traditionalism, racism, Conservatism, homophobia, sexism, global warming denial, and opposing the woman's right to choose (this is probably an ism or a phobia too, but we haven't got the name right yet). And it is possible to imagine a being who represents all these sins, and even to call him Satan. He probably writes for the Daily Mail.

Of course at St Daryl's we have nothing against Masses in foreign languages. Just not Latin, please.

Here are a few Masses we shall soon be holding to show our  commitment to Equality and Diversity.

* Arabic Mass, for our Muslim brethren, if any should wish to attend. But even if they don't they will know that they are our brothers and sisters in Christ - or Mohamed, as we should probably call him.

Queuing up for Coffee after Mass

* Polari Mass. Yes, that's Gay Slang. The Priest will greet you with "Hello, I'm Father Julian, and this is my friend, Father Sandy!" Please reply "And with your spirit, sweetie."

*  Fr Macdonald's farmyard Mass. For those who find the new English liturgy too difficult (when did you last hear the word "consubstantial" on EastEnders, eh?) we are going to make farmyard noises instead. Out goes "I believe in one God" and in comes "Moo, moo, baa, baa, oink!" No need for complicated liturgies, we'll just all do our own thing. God will understand.

But remember... NO LATIN. Remember, it was banned by Vatican II, and you will get a stiff letter from the Bishop if you try to bring it back.

Proud to be pink

FATHER ARTHUR WRITES: Some of you may be wondering why I was dressed in pink at Mass this Sunday. In fact, it was "Laetare Sunday," which is a traddy way of saying "Chill out, dudes! We're happy happy happy," and we priests in good standing are authorised to wear pink vestments on this day. Of course, the real reason I am wearing pink all week is in solidarity with our gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, multisexual and omnisexual brothers and sisters (or shall we just say "siblings!") It cannot be long before the Catholic church relents from its outdated homophobic stance on marriage, and allows me to marry couples (and even larger groups) of any orientation in church. St Daryl's will as usual be in the vanguard of progress.



Fr Pau, modelling the latest in pink vestments  BIBLE READINGS: Not much in Sunday's readings, I'm afraid. It's all about outdated notions such as good and evil, and being saved from our sins. Well, that's not going to mean much to the man in the street, is it? No wonder that all intelligent Catholics are turning to more exciting religions with a higher body count - such as football.

MAUNDY THURSDAY: We are dispensing with the symbolic washing of feet - no longer relevant in an era where virtually all of our parishioners have baths in their homes, even if they don't use them very often, do they? Naming no names, I always make sure that I am surrounded by industrial-strength incense whenever I am approached by Messrs O'Dour, Wottapong, Moly Badnite and Micky Ross-Mollusc! This year we are celebrating the more practical aspects of washing, and volunteers will be needed to clean Fr Arthur's car in time for it to be ritually blessed at Mass on Easter Sunday.

ECUMENICAL SERVICE: On Palm Sunday all the churches in North Trollbridge will be joining together in an act of common worship. This year it is the turn of the Romany Fortune-Tellers to host our "get-together," and appropriately we shall be crossing their palms (with silver)! Do come along, and bring your Tarot cards with you. Who knows, you may be in line to meet a tall dark handsome stranger!



Could this be the next incumbent of St Daryl's?  THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The stranger did not stay without, my door was open to the traveller. Job 31:32 They have violently robbed the fatherless, and stripped the poor common people. Job 24:9

The money-changers in the Temple

FATHER ARTHUR WRITES.The message of Sunday's Gospel is very clear, isn't it? Jesus hates money-changers, bankers, accountants, stockbrokers, insurance salesman, and financial advisers. Don't we all? Jesus of course would have reason to hate insurance salesman, but this was only later, when they refused to pay out on his life insurance. With typical dishonesty the insurers claimed that he had technically "risen from the dead," which invalidated the policy (this may be the origin of the Resurrection myth that some fanatical traditionalists still cling to). What can we do to bear witness to our Christian life? Well, I think we need to take up our tents and camp outside the house of Mr Mainwaring the bank manager, don't we? And perhaps throw a brick through the window of the Bureau de Change in the High Street? Worth thinking about...

A fiend incarnate, preparing to grind the noses of the poor into the dust  It should not be forgotten also that Jesus hated people selling cattle, sheep and doves in church. And I think I may say that He was quite right there. Indeed, I was a little irritated when my carefully-constructed sermon last week was interrupted by loud whispers of "How much do you want for that goat, George?" You know who you are, and it must not happen again.

ON YOUR WAY OUT. Please take time to visit the gift stall in the Lady Chapel. Today you are encouraged to buy shares in DARYLCO, the limited company we have set up to manage the church's assets. Moreover, Mrs Badnite's rabbit has given birth to six babies: these are on sale very cheaply to a good home (all profits in aid of DARYLCO). They make wonderful pets for your children, and if the kids misbehave then you can eat the rabbits.

WALK FOR WATER ON WORLD WATER DAY. This is on March 22nd, and we have asked Big Chief Running Tap of the local Apache Church to perform a sacramental rain dance in the church, before we begin. However, the event well may be cancelled in the event of bad weather.

Fr Tap's own church  ST DARYL LADIES FUNDRAISING COFFEE MORNING raised £183.00 in aid of the campaign for legalising gay marriage. Well done, ladies! It cannot be long before the Pope realises that Cardinal O' Brien and similar dinosaurs do not reflect the views of the modern Catholic in the pew. The next event is likely to be a Pro-Choice Vigil.

LENTEN ALMS. This week we are making charitable donations to the poor starving people of Greece.They have been asking us for money, marble sculptures, and more money. Their representative, Mr Copalotahippopotamopashutyagobagottawopparhinoceros, wishes it to be known that he considers that it was in very bad taste of someone to send him the following postcard.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:  And if thou hast been forced to eat much, arise, go out, and vomit. Sirach 31:25

The 10 Commandments

We're delighted to see that new versions of the 10 Commandments are being written to bring God more into line with Modern Thought. Here at St Daryl's we have our own version, which we sometimes say at Sunday Mass.

Do not attempt more than 4 of the following. All commandments carry equal marks.

1. There's no need to believe in God, but do at least show some respect, especially to priests in good standing. You can worship David Beckham, Lady Gaga, etc. but don't bow down to statues of them, it only makes you look silly. Kissing them is right out.



Do not kiss this idol.

2. Watch your language, especially when kids are present. A few F-words and C-words are unavoidable, even in church, but try to keep off the real evils of homophobia, racism and sexism.

3. Of course the Sabbath is a special day, given to us for lying in bed, shopping, football matches, etc. but Christians have a duty to make some religious devotions. Simply waking up in bed and saying "Thank God, it's Sunday" will do.

4. Be nice to your father and mother, and their partners, whether straight, gay, bisexual, or transgendered, and to anyone else they're shacking up with right now.

5. No killing. It's OK to beat up your enemies, slit them up a little maybe, but the pigs won't like it if you kill someone, as they have to start filling in lots of paperwork in triplicate.



Hello, hello, hello! What's all this, then?

6. We don't talk of adultery these days, but do be entirely frank with your partner if you feel you need a little bit on the side.

7. Don't nick things. At least not from anyone who might mind. A little shop-lifting is harmless of course, everyone does that. And of course things really do fall off the back of lorries.

8. Of course everyone tells lies when they need to, but try to make them plausible, or you'll look stupid. OK?

9. Do not covet your neighbour's wife. Actually, have you seen her? Bad-tempered old cow. Try your luck with young Sharon at Number 94 instead. Or young Nick at Number 96. Or both at once.

10. Nobody covets oxen and asses these days, and anyway, would you really want to keep some in your sitting-room? Just chill out, man, and don't fret about things you ain't got.

 

A bronze-age goatherd who has got the wrong idea entirely

The Transfiguration

FATHER ARTHUR WRITES. One thing strikes me in this Sunday's Gospel Reading. Peter, James and John accompanied our Lord to the top of a mountain, and encountered Moses and Elijah. Could these have been sock-puppets, and not the real Moses and Elijah at all? Could Our Lord have been fooled by a bunch of traditionally-minded dinosaur Catholics who wanted to undermine his ministry? But the alternative explanation requires us to suppose that some sort of miraculous agency was involved, since both Moses and Elijah had been dead for many years. And I think it's fair to say that as modern Catholics we don't believe in divine intervention, do we? Well, there's certainly food for thought there.

Sockpuppets jumping up and down? 
SICK LIST. Please pray for the following parishioners in their distress: Mrs Molly Badnite (boils on the backside); Malcolm Ghastly the professional contortionist (a hernia obtained when trying to twist himself into an impossible position); Micky Cross (a nasty kick from a llama).

LATIN MASS. Father Arthur has received a petition signed by 200 parishioners, all demanding a Tridentine Rite. This is a statistically insignificant number, and those people who signed should surely examine their consciences, and remember that under Vatican II the Latin Mass was criticised as "difficult," "old-fashioned," "boring," and "traditional" (could there be any stronger terms of condemnation?)

SPIRITUALITY IN OUR PARISH. Our Lenten talks continue this week with "Jesus - The First Bearded Lady?" by Fr Sue Cornplaster of the Coronation Street Institute for Intergendered Theology. In fact, Father Sue says the answer to her question is no - there is clear evidence that Abraham and Moses were women as well.

LENTEN ALMS. Our sister church of St Phil the Lapsed is asking for donations in aid of the Romanian Travellers currently camping in their car park. They would particularly welcome donations of lead sheets, copper piping and wire, and indeed other metals too, especially gold, silver and platinum ingots.
Father Arthur writes: unfortunately St Phil's is not able to help our Romanian brothers and sisters directly: indeed, we seem to be in need of such items ourselves, since the roof is leaking, the central heating system appears to be missing a few essential pipes, and the fine statue of Cardinal Vogon Blessing A Whelk seems to have disappeared completely.

Have you seen this man?

GOSPEL MUSIC NIGHT. Saturday's Event will be in aid of one of Father Arthur's favourite charities, the Labour Party. We welcome the Ed Miller Band and the Obama Singers for an evening of sacred music, including the famous Chinese hymn "Socialism is great".

Socialism is great, socialism is great!
People of socialist countries have high social status.
Reactionaries are overthrown. Imperialism tucks its tail and flees.
Tractor production is up, and the country acclaims the socialist revolution.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Behold, I make all things new. Revelation 21:5

From your Parish Priest

WELCOME. My name is Father Arthur Nonny of the liberal Catholic church of St Daryl the Apostate, and I wish to welcome you all to this, the first online version of our parish newsletter. All except for Mr Jones, Mrs Robinson, the entire Thompson family, Mr Wells, Dr Lewis, and little Charlie McWeeble (age 3), who are all guilty of infringing Article 2477 of the Catechisms of the Church: if anyone sees these errant parishioners, then I suggest they scowl at them in a particularly meaningful way, so that they realise that God's judgement will be coming upon them sooner than they think.

SPIRITUALITY. At St Daryl's we have been rather torn this week by the news that Rowan Williams was debating religion with Richard Dawkins. Since they are both adherents to the true doctrines of socialism, it seems that the only matter on which they disagreed was a minor one to do with the existence, or otherwise, of God. Hardly something which bothers us at St Daryl's. So your parish priest will not rush to take sides here, as some dinosaur traditionalists may have been tempted to!

PARISH PILGRIMAGE TO ROME. Plans are coming along nicely, and the children at Cardinal Vogon School have been making banners bearing the messages "Benedict must go," "Ordain Women Now" and "Ban the Latin Mass," which we intend to wave when we attend Mass in St John Lateran.

LENTEN ALMS: The usual collecting boxes are available in the porch. This year we shall be supporting twelve asylum-seekers from London. We particularly welcome donations of single-malt whisky, contraceptives, caviare, Havana cigars and unusual sex toys.

SISTER WENDY WRITES: I was horrified this week to read that some healthy babies are being aborted simply because they are female. There is only one answer to this - we must offer compulsory gender reassignment to a certain quota of new-born boys. As girls they will naturally live longer, be better at parking cars, and thus be ideally suited to accept ordination as priests, which can only be a matter of time.

GAY NOTES: Today's Bible readings were about the rainbow, a symbol that God gave to Noah after the Flood. It cannot be a coincidence that this is the symbol of the LGBT movement, for the Lord was telling us to welcome Diversity wherever we find it. The next Gay Mass at St Daryl's (sponsored by the Vincent Nichols Trust) will take place on Sunday 11th March. We're going to have a really naughty time, so bring a friend!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: What is truth? John 18:38